This is about yesterday.
I was all excited. And why shouldn't I be? It was the Eid day. I was expecting everyone to come over. I wore new clothes. Put on his favorite cologne; I wanted to smell good. I also consciously kept my dupatta on...I didn't wanted him to see my such short hair. It’s been a while since they gave me this grazed land. Anyway all happy! How could it be so well? Why they are not shouting at me? Why they allowed me to pat their kids? Why? These unbounded, unfastened, untamed questions, never leave me.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
So the moment I was anxiously waiting for came. They all entered; all dressed up. It was a lot. I couldn't smell myself anymore. My eyes searched for him, but he wasn't among them. But still I made effort, holding onto the sofa side, I stood up. Patted their heads and kissed onto their foreheads. They all happily received my pyar. Settling on random spots, the little one grabbed onto my seat. It’s okay. I’ll find another place to sit.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
Then came the food time. They planned to had dinner a little early. If it was during the daytime, it would had been called a brunch. I never liked this concept. On the dinner table, she made her son move to let me join them. I was pleased, but didn't said anything. I know in the shoor of their sweet chitchat my compliment would just get stuck somewhere in the air…she won’t hear it. It’s okay! But my eyes were still waiting for him. I wanted him to be seated right next to me. He didn't came.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
She poured some salan in my bowl. And he passed a naan piece to me. I gave them that required smile, but my inner starting weeping. They know I can’t have it. The emotions on my face literally contradicted my internal chaos. I could see winds coming, waves rising. It’s coming.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
Thinking, how could they forget my most basic need? Wishing, why can’t I stay calm? Why can’t I be happy? Why their most caring act made me cry? Drowned in those questions, I unconsciously ate the whole portion. I started coughing. I was feeling dizzy. I tried to ask for water, but all they could hear was a mumble. I tried harder. I made gestures. And finally it happened. I started crying and screaming.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
Scared of their own mother, they escorted me to my cemetery; my room. And locked it from the outside. I wished I also had an internal lock. Where I could pour all those unwanted, unpleasing, unsettling grieving feelings of mine. Throw its key in a deep dark ocean. And could feel better. But no; I am eternally bound to suffer. Feeling inner turmoil, battling with my insanity, I was still feeling a bit calm. I could hear their same lively shoor. The intuition that by removing my presence, all returned to normal, unfortunately made me the happiest person. I knew I was again diving into my insanity.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
It got dark. I could hear their scattered, disrupted, mumbling, buzzing, hums. So, they were around. My lights were still off and curtains apart. I could sense that no one came to check on me. I stood up and crawled myself to open the door. Still locked. The droplets of that useless salty water again started to wet my face. I hate that.
But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.
My hands instead of hitting the door, got froze. My mind changed. I wanted to embrace this solitude. Those clouds again engulfed me. I sat on that lone chair in my room. Neither he came, nor they got us another one. Strangely I was feeling all worn out, tired, exhausted, sweaty, and breathless. While starring at his picture, I took off my dupatta. I wanted to end it all. I prayed. Tasting the trails of my tears—the only thing that was useless for them, and I could had freely without their permission; I closed my eyes. I prayed they never open again. I wanted to be alone.
But still I wished...
No comments:
Post a Comment