This is about last night.
Yesterday was a bit pleasant day. I myself was surprised. I downloaded and read a gaol-and-success planning book. I planned my next ten years. Wrote my wants, my desires, my obstacles, and all the ways to overcome them. I planned to become an ‘unstoppable’. Oh, I also made a new-style sandwich. All was going well. But the fear, the thought, and the feeling that how can it all end so great, continually followed me. My heart beat was never normal! Yet, I was feeling all high, euphoric, thought-out, energetic, and sane.
But as expected that zealous bubble exploded. I planned ten years; unfortunately it even didn't lasted for few hours!
Around midnight I got caught into an argument with her, to which she responded by reminding me that, ‘hum majboor hain’. I hate this ‘majboor’ word. I want to get out of this situation. Take a little step at a time. But to her, it will distract me from my ‘mission’.
Agree, but it’s not quite all true. Instead of convincing her again, which I had presumably succeeded in doing during the afternoon, I started letting all the negative words and thoughts come out of my mouth. And strangely enough, I never ever consciously thought that way. And I am also quite aware of her health condition, and the intensity to which my doings can be deteriorating.
To add to this, there was another strange feeling. While I was forcing all this negativity to get out of myself, the other half of me was continually stopping me. I was continually being reminded by myself that all this is calling great destruction, which I won’t be able to fix or revert! Instead, if anything happened to her, only I’ll be responsible. And only I would have to take care of this resulting mess. Did all these sane-thoughts made me to stop? No!
The part of me which was prevalent at that moment considered it as an opportunity, as an outlet, to outpour all out. While I was arguing on the outside, I was going through an inner combat also, with my own self!
So, after hearing all those never-heard-before thoughts of me, she was taken aback. All she responded with was that old majboor-dilemma. We both went to bed. Hiding under the sheets, my only secret safe place, I cried frantically. My heart was pounding. I was fidgeting with my hair. I felt I was going insane. I felt breathless. Finally, I sat up. Wiped my face with my shirt. But strangely again, even in this critical situation there was a part of me which was calm and was continually reminding me that it’s not the first time I am going through all of this. Plus, it’ll soon pass. I’ll be normal. But have to remember, this insanity will come back again.
While I was negotiating with myself, I glanced over to her. She was sitting still with her head down. I got afraid. I went to her. She had difficult time even saying anything. She was choking. She was taking long deep breaths. She was continually holding tight onto her head. So my fear, ones again, proved right. I CAUSED HER PAIN, AGAIN! I fetched water to calm her. Did I hugged her? Did I emotionally comforted her? No. I didn't had any courage to do these probably the most appropriate acts of all! (Shame!)
I myself feeling drained, (wish had actually drowned) helplessly tried to verbally sooth and console her. I told her I will just do what she wants. Period. Whenever she paused or looked down, fearing what might happen, I shook her and made her talk. The storm has passed, and all I had now was to clear its aftermaths. I tried. All set, she wanted to lie down. And I came back to my table and opened my journal. It was time to write!
I thought to write to uplift myself. I wanted to tell myself that I had to put myself back together. I had to stay strong. And don't ever make her unhappy again. I need to be a cause of her happiness. I need to be a nice person. I decided to repent on my this insane doing. Wanted to promise not to repeat it. Was I able to do it? No!
This time again, the self-controlling half of me got dominated by my other half. It started insulting, belittling, and cursing my own self. As I was writing, my journal took a form of a talk among two very different individuals. I continually referred to myself as ‘you’. So ones again my sanity transformed into an insane-sanity. While jotting these trivializing feelings, instead of feeling perplexed or all-down, I enjoyed hurting myself. I felt as if I was doing what I was worth of! There was a strange mild sense of relief and pleasure.
Even while writing, I knew this act will be followed by another episode of browsing and watching motivational solution-driven videos. Which will be followed by the dominance of my calmer-self. Everything will return to normal. And this normality will include the wait-and-watch-game of looking forward to another new episode of my depressed-drowned phase. It is now a regime.
After drooling my insanity on a clean white piece of paper, I lied down. I started watching some random motivational video with headphones in my ears. My first step towards becoming calmer:…checked!
But, the truth is, I was continually being hunted and tormented by the thoughts that:
Do I love her?
Do I even care for her?
Can I ever do anything good for her?
…
…
…
While diving into that dark mysterious realm, I got lost. To keep all simple, I chose to end it all.
For forever!
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