An Amalgam: Science Laws + Life Lessons

Assuming the fact that many still consider Science as a sophisticated formula-based and innovation-driven realm, I found something interesting to share. Science is far more than just solving such 2+2=4 dilemmas. Instead, its true focus is to unravel the way we live and how universe dictates our life lessons. 

While glancing over basic Entropy laws, which base that nature prefers randomness and chaos; I really got astounded to find their close correlation with the way we ought to live our lives. 

Following is the brief explanation:  

1. “Lower energy states are preferred by nature.”

Though we all prefer to be excited and pulsating all the time, but nature dictates completely opposite. Naturally acceptable mode or emotional state is somewhat boring, as it wants us to be in peace with ourselves and our surroundings. Please, don’t confuse this down-time as being idle or equivalent to doing nothing constructive. Instead, it corresponds to our fully lubricated perfect form, just like an efficiently running machine part, which performs its functions without any outside intervention or struggle. 

So, if free, then just relax and enjoy your low-energy down-time :)   

Breath...

2. “Excited electrons release light and return back to their ground states.”

Just like electrons, those who gain knowledge or have power are bestowed with higher rankings and great responsibilities. But, nature dictates that these higher-ups are not meant to resort at these positions for ever and ever. Instead, just like ‘excited electrons’ they ought to return to their lower, more stable and peaceful, locales. But the catch is, while returning to their home grounds, they should empower others by releasing their light of knowledge. If we can implement this rule in our establishments, no matter how big or small they might be, all could be bestowed with equal experience, along with flexible internal mobility. 

So, new boss doesn't equal new-struggle; instead take them as the knowledge and experience powerhouse, and try to gain energy from their “light” :)

Sharing is caring... 

3. “Randomness, chaos, and disorder are all the states that are preferred by nature.”

We make plans, chart agendas, and pen to-do-lists. But I can assure that there had been instances when you strongly reiterated that, ‘it never works the way I planned it?’ I guess now you can stop blaming yourself. Because that’s how nature prefers to work. Moreover, when we try to put order or schematize our intentions, surprisingly we are working against the will of nature. And as a caution, whenever one tries to go against the natural law, lot of energy input and hard work is needed! 

If we diverge this concept into the grand schema of our universe, we find that no matter how hard scientists, inventors, or strategic planners work on making our lives simpler, easier, or livable; but ironically more complexities and tougher questions emerge along with every new invention or rule-of-law. Bottomline, problems change but chaos persists! 

For example, after inventing trains, we started struggling to make them faster; after eradicating Polio we are now dealing with Zikka. 

So, next time when you can’t find that pair of socks or notice those fine-lines, just think life can never be in order :)

Cracked or aged...

 4. “An isolated system will naturally change towards a state of greater disorder.”

This law really took me by surprise. According to this, any system that is not involved in any work or energy interaction will naturally propagate towards disorder and eventually destruction. Consider this system as an individual, and now try to implement this law on him/her. Nature dictates that we, human beings, are born to interact with each other, do work, share our warmth, and gain knowledge. I think it’s quite true that, we are social animals. We cannot survive in isolation, we need each other’s support, trust, love, and care. We are made to nurture our collective aspirations, and that is only possible through germinating in a prosperous, healthy, close-knitted family or a society. Nature dictates collectivism. Those who say that, ‘I can swim alone’, should know that life’s a really tiring, exhausting, and rejective journey. Riding through it on a boat with close fellows can actually minimize the effort and fatigue. 

So guys, hurry and start accepting those eternally-awaiting friend requests :)     

Who's smart...

Until next time,

Let’s enjoy Science. 

"But first, love thyself."

While going around with my ever bustling thought-bubble, I realized that many mundane aspects of our lives are ingrained in us, but with quite self-deteriorating notions. The concept of nullifying ones own existence or considering to be the last in receiving any privileges is so romanticized that we are always taught to ‘first love thou people’. 

So, the question is when to love, think, or consider our own individuality? The concepts of ownership, unique personality, and prioritizing ones own demands are usually so maltreated, that even just thinking or discussing on these lines is apparently equalized to blasphemy. 

But this needs to be changed! We are born to be different and independent, otherwise our Supreme Power (Allah SWT) would have easily created us as colones. Since we undergo complex hereditary variations, thus to be different is innate to us. There is no wrong, if my nine looks six to you. Both are right, the difference is in our perception, our placing, and our circumstances. 

We are always told and even pressurized to love others first. Though there is no wrong in it, but I think the correct form should be to ‘first love yourself.’ If one is contented with his/her inner, only then he/she could think and feel positive. And for others to be happy, they need to be surrounded by individuals who only generate positive feel-good vibes. Right? Hence, the need is to educate ourselves and others to start loving themselves first. Before committing into any euphorically blissful promises with other innocent beings, learn to first love-your-self holistically; learn to care and support yourself independently. And that also just for your own sake. 

Just imagine, if I am not contented and at peace with my own existence, with my own circumstances, with my own flaws, then how can I be expected to love others, care for others, and be their well-wisher? It’s quite a dilemma that we are always asked to put ourselves last or else we are titled as ‘selfish.’ My Economics Undergrad Professor used to say, ‘we humans are born selfish.’ And now I feel that she was right. There is no wrong in considering or focusing on your desires or following your aspirations. But the catch is, like all acts, DON’T practice it too excessively and solely. 

Take home point is, love yourself first, just so that you can love others. Recall the in-flight safety instructions in which all the passengers are advised to, in case of emergency always put on your oxygen masks before helping others. It’s not that they are asking you to act selfishly, instead they want you to be strong enough to help others. 

Thus, guys please start loving yourselves. This feeing should be so overwhelming and overflowing that others can simply be benefited by just being around your happy-go-lucky persona. To enlighten others’ lives, first learn to shine! Or else, don't expect to learn how to smile from a poker faced person! 

Make way through your flaws; override all the obstacles; and be the bestest version of your self…be SO good that you can’t help but to love and be proud of your own existence. You are alive and comfortably breathing at this very moment; it’s an invaluable asset; the need is to just learn to value this miracle. Before becoming someone else’s fan or looking up to others, become your own favorite. Geet, in Jab We Met, quite aptly said, “main tu apni favorite hon.” Try to reiterate that spirit on everyday basis.  

I love Maya Angelou’s succinct way of condensing my aforementioned monologue using an old African proverb that cautions us to “be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” Hence, before seeking or giving out your love-notes, learn to use them for your own betterment. Rest will precede on its own! I also read one of the famous sayings of Oscar Wilde that, “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” This thought is so beautiful that I think from now on we all should just claim to be in-relationship with our own selves.

Until next time, 

Let’s learn to ‘first love thyself’!

Think Tank

Let’s say it...and say it together, that there had been few who said it the way we aspire to say. Believe me, it’s so comforting to have an alliance or a ‘perfect’ think-tank! 

So, let’s be courageous to think and say that:

• I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. (Thomas Edison)
• It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man. (Benjamin Franklin)
• The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination. (Albert Einstein)
• Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. (Jane Austen)
• Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.(Oprah Winfrey)
• The time is always right to do what is right. (Martin Luther King Jr.)
• Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. (Albert Einstein)
• I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. (Jane Austen)
• Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. (Arthur Ashe)
• Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground. (Theodore Roosevelt)
• It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things being to happen. (Mohammad Ali)
• If you can dream it, you can do it. (Walt Disney)
• The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential, are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. (Confucius)
• Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. (Robert H. Schuller)
• You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. (Rabindranath Tagore)
• Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. (Samuel Beckett)
• Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward. (Victor Kiam)
• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein)
• He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. (Mohammad Ali)
• If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough. (Mohammad Ali)

Though there are infinite great sayings, but I think for now, absorbing this much is enough! Hope these can motivate us to follow our dreams and be our greatest form!

Until next time,

Keep. Moving.

A Story

Once upon a time, there was a rich Lady. She was blessed with all the amenities of life, was happily married, and had kids. One day she decided to go on a vacation to explore, relax, and of course shop. She decided to go a little far from her home town. All her family stayed back to take care of her responsibilities. She was free to have the time of her life.

During this shopping spree, she got pulled into a relationship with a Native. He faked love, in return of her infinite favors and riches. Lady unexpectedly got to exceed her planned time period. She gave birth to his son. It was an illegitimate child, plus he already had an Elder son. She was very scared. Lady knew if she decided to take care of her newborn, she would have to stay in exile for forever. She could sense the fumes of her family’s anger. She decided  to leave quietly. Plus, she never intended to stay with that mediocre Native and this newly-formed family.

Back at the Native’s town, the presence of this newborn child resulted in a convoluted situation. After the rich Lady left, the newborn got nurtured and nourished under the shadow of the Native father, who failed to do his child’s brain-wash. The rebellious Young child grew up hearing all the stories of betrayal, selfishness, and hatred. How could he expect himself to stay with that strict greedy father? 

Young son’s sensibilities demanded him to choose and trust his own friends. Instead of living and dwelling with his blood relations, he successfully formed his own small, yet powerful Squad. They gave it a name and penned its mission. Their Squad decided to demand the Young son’s share of inheritance from his so-called Native father. 

Hearing this, father’s Elder ‘real’ son got furious and started bashing and campaigning against the Young righteous boy in their town. The old Native father didn't had much say to all. He neither had the authority, nor the power to contact the Lady. Thus, this chaotic situation fell into the hands of two furious blood-related enemies—Elder and Young sons. 

The fight became the talk of their town Everyone who heard their story was unconsciously propelled to take one of the either sides. Slowly, but gradually they formed two groups. Some with Elder, while the remaining ones had to choose their only other choice, Young.

It continued. Miraculously, Big Brother, the authoritative elder brother of that rich Lady was called to resolve this never-ending bloodshed. The Lady could see the fumes of her ignited fire burning her own house. She rushed. Taking responsibility of her doings, she reiterated the happenings to her brother. This time she courageously connected the dots to ‘herself’. 

Big Brother supported her but in a realistic way. He told her to stay quite and never tell anyone of her illegitimate child. As it would directly affect their authority and societal ties. He went alone to the Native town to resolve the issue. 

He called both sons, Elder and Young, and laid out the map of their town. He marked the spots where both sons were active or had been doing successful separate businesses. Big Brother drew a random line across the map, separating their respective ‘active’ parts. He declared that the part with more of the Elder son’s happenings should belong to Elder; whereas, the parts where there are more of the Young son’s activities, should be given to Young. Unfortunately, Young son got smaller part, because he had been active for quite less time, as compared to his Elder counterpart.

Time flies. Everyone got entangled in their families and kids. Even the children of the rich Lady grew old enough to be settled independently. One of her elder sons moved away from their home land. He got the perfect guts to be called as the Champ. Based on his ancestry, the money wasn't his problem. All he wanted was to be praised and be authoritative. Wherever there was a dispute he was called and the problem was resolved. He enjoyed this wah-wah so much that he even secretly started initiating small fights and disputes. Then with the day burst he would dress up to showcase his charisma along with his few flamboyant followers. He would snap-open the door and enter just like a filmi-hero and would end the issue. Perfect score = million praises. 

Why this Champ talk? Actually he got a very interesting role to play in our famous Elder-Young’s brotherly dispute. He heard all about their once-upon-a-time story. Obviously being greedy for praise, he wanted to end their issue and bring everything to a happy ending. He planned the perfect stage, called all their friends and allies, and got praised for his positive intention. Even both brothers and their families know of his efforts. 

Even today, Champ received infinite acclamation for just reopening this issue in the Justice Court. All the limelight is on him and his efforts are being recorded as news headlines. Perfect! By now our famous brothers should had been each others’ hard-core friends. But sorry, no! The problem is, by reaching that well-deserved vantage point, Champ’s greed has also equally escalated. He doesn't want to end this fight. Why? Because by lingering on to this issue he can showcase his trail-and-error patience. Just like his mother, he also wants to enjoy this euphoric phase. 

So, what would happen to the Elder and Young and their families? Well, those stupid born-to-be-brothers should get hold of their senses. They need to have enough foresightedness to see themselves as the puppets in their favorite The Champ Show, with their ropes tightly fastened to the Champ’s hands. 

From the worldly standards, both current-neighbors are old and wise enough to have no need for a third-party to dilute their hatred. They should just open their doors and let the other eagerly-waiting-outside soul to enter into their lives and bang! 

I am sure, this could begin an entirely new, yet quite peaceful chapter of their story. 

Characters’ Overview: 

Lady—a rich lady

Native—a mediocre who fakes love to Lady 

Elder—Native’s legitimate elder son

Young—illegitimate younger son of Lady and Native 

Big Brother—Lady’s authoritative elder brother 

Champ—Lady’s elder legitimate son

P.S. How about viewing this story while imagining India, Pakistan, UK, and US?

"again"

Today I was born, 

I had no control over it;

Today I want to born, 

To take my responsibility.  

Today I was born, 

Simply out of a wedlock;

Today I want to born,

To decipher those muted locks.   

Today I was born, 

Piercing through her screams; 

Today I want to born, 

To declare the calmness after a storm.

Today I was born, 

They celebrated me as none;

Today I want to born, 

To yet, uplift them all.

Today I was born, 

They wrapped me as tight;

Today I want to born, 

To be free and alive.

Today I was born, 

I knew not how to say; 

Today I want to born, 

To aptly state it all. 

Today I was born;

And Today, I want to born again.

SELF-TALK

• I don’t want to be stay late for them; I want to be awake for my own; 
• I don’t want to mark their agendas as checked; I want to do it for my own; 
• I don’t want to celebrate their success; I want to bang for my own; 
• I don’t want to run for their race; I want to pace for my own;
• I don’t want to envision their future; I want to strive for my own; 
• I don’t want to chase their dreams; I want to water mine for my own; 
• I don’t want to play at their checkerboard; I want to set one for my own; 
• I don’t want to be a bolt in their machine; I want to move for my own; 
• I don’t want to hold their identity; I want to initiate one for my own;
• I don’t want to keep sailing for them; I want to swim for my own;
• I don’t want to mumble ‘yes’ to them; I want to announce ‘no’ for my own; 
• I don’t want to follow their etched rail; I want to blaze a trail for my own;  
• I don’t want to chime their rhymes; I want to beat for my own; 
• I don’t want to go round-and-round; I want to pause for my own; 
• I don’t want to die in their color; I want to light for my own;
• I don’t want to pen it all for them; I want to say it for my own.  
• Hence, I promise I won’t reiterate a story; I’ll create one for my own!    

>> Refresh Playlist—CHECKED!

I promise this will be a quick, neat, crisp, short, yet a very interesting post. I agree, recently my blog has been blogging really insanely :) I am not too sure how it came across on the screen. But truthfully saying, I was exhilarating a lot while trying to channel the influx of those weird ideas to pen. 

So, gearing back to it; what I am about to disclose are actually my latest it-picks. I recently gave my playlist the much needed pamper, which I demand all should do! So here comes my say: 

“Paar Channa De”

Though for some #CokeStudio9 has already blazed their senses. Unfortunately, I didn't got blown away with the buzz; sadly I felt myself stranded with its older versions and my super high expectations (a little senti-story). I mundanely played my old downloads, rather than investing my minutes in striving to get these new amalgams. I hope times change. 

Having said that, fingers crossed, I still have high hopes. Which I fastened even tighter after hearing "Paar Chanaa De" by Shilpa Rao and Noori (Episode 4; Season 9). It has a very soulful, justifiably tied in with an expected Indie Rock feel. I loved its initiation. The lyrics are equally captivating, which romanticize and decipher a shattered, yet hopeful-soul personification. As a caution, I am not personally impressed with the way they lead us to the end. Instead of soothly sailing us across this chaos, they abruptly bump us into a hard-core, high-pitched chorus, which (sorry to say) pounded my ears. Still, this song is worth giving that just-one-time try. 

Hear it and try to embrace all those scattered emotions. It’ll work! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrPvQvbp3Cg

“Ae Dil Hai Mushkil”

My other pick will probably be already on everyone’s list. If not get it! It’s "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil—Title Track". Hopes, claim, pain, passion, aspirations, all blended well with that time-tested, emotionally aligned Arijit Singh’s high-pitched soul piercing voice. To be fully captivated by its strength, put on your headphones, turn up the volume, close your eyes, and run! Run, not in its literal sense, (actually could be equally effective). I am referring to that racy, breathless, nervous, jilted feeling, which this song demands you to be immersed in! (Quite a demanding song!) 

Trust me, listen to it my way, and you’ll envision a whole new dimension. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU8jvMGutZ4

Hence; 

Keep Listening. 
Keep Feeling. 

  

InSaNe SaNiTy—II ...a moment…a story…

This is about yesterday. 

I was all excited. And why shouldn't I be? It was the Eid day. I was expecting everyone to come over. I wore new clothes. Put on his favorite cologne; I wanted to smell good. I also consciously kept my dupatta on...I didn't wanted him to see my such short hair. It’s been a while since they gave me this grazed land. Anyway all  happy! How could it be so well? Why they are not shouting at me? Why they allowed me to pat their kids? Why? These unbounded, unfastened, untamed questions, never leave me. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

So the moment I was anxiously waiting for came. They all entered; all dressed up. It was a lot. I couldn't smell myself anymore. My eyes searched for him, but he wasn't among them. But still I made effort, holding onto the sofa side, I stood up. Patted their heads and kissed onto their foreheads. They all happily received my pyar. Settling on random spots, the little one grabbed onto my seat. It’s okay. I’ll find another place to sit. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

Then came the food time. They planned to had dinner a little early. If it was during the daytime, it would had been called a brunch. I never liked this concept.  On the dinner table, she made her son move to let me join them. I was pleased, but didn't said anything. I know in the shoor of their sweet chitchat my compliment would just get stuck somewhere in the air…she won’t hear it. It’s okay! But my eyes were still waiting for him. I wanted him to be seated right next to me. He didn't came.  

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

She poured some salan in my bowl. And he passed a naan piece to me. I gave them that required smile, but my inner starting weeping. They know I can’t have it. The emotions on my face literally contradicted my internal chaos. I could see winds coming, waves rising. It’s coming. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

Thinking, how could they forget my most basic need? Wishing, why can’t I stay calm? Why can’t I be happy? Why their most caring act made me cry? Drowned in those questions, I unconsciously ate the whole portion. I started coughing. I was feeling dizzy. I tried to ask for water, but all they could hear was a mumble. I tried harder. I made gestures. And finally it happened. I started crying and screaming. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.  

Scared of their own mother, they escorted me to my cemetery; my room. And locked it from the outside. I wished I also had an internal lock. Where I could pour all those unwanted, unpleasing, unsettling grieving feelings of mine. Throw its key in a deep dark ocean. And could feel better. But no; I am eternally bound to suffer. Feeling inner turmoil, battling with my insanity, I was still feeling a bit calm. I could hear their same lively shoor. The intuition that by removing my presence, all returned to normal, unfortunately made me the happiest person. I knew I was again diving into my insanity. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

It got dark. I could hear their scattered, disrupted, mumbling, buzzing, hums. So, they were around. My lights were still off and curtains apart. I could sense that no one came to check on me. I stood up and crawled myself to open the door. Still locked. The droplets of that useless salty water again started to wet my face. I hate that.

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

My hands instead of hitting the door, got froze. My mind changed. I wanted to embrace this solitude. Those clouds again engulfed me. I sat on that lone chair in my room. Neither he came, nor they got us another one. Strangely I was feeling all worn out, tired, exhausted, sweaty, and breathless. While starring at his picture, I took off my dupatta. I wanted to end it all. I prayed. Tasting the trails of my tears—the only thing that was useless for them, and I could had freely without their permission; I closed my eyes. I prayed they never open again. I wanted to be alone.  

But still I wished...

A + B = Think. Simple.

Today, probably for the first time I understood the difference between an optimistic and a pessimist. I know its not a new concept and there are gazillion pages dedicated to aptly highlight this dichotomy. But compared to past passive readings, understanding something practically from your surroundings is a whole new realm. It literally changes or enhances a blurred perspective. 

So, today I learned:  

A pessimist would say: ‘Since I know B would not happen anytime soon, so I won’t do A.’

Whereas an optimist would say: ‘I think B would might not happen…not too sure; but still I want to try A. Want no regrets!’

I love reiterating that, ‘try and fail. But don't fail to try.’ Because, living with a regret is equivalent to just adding another unbearable eternal weight…which, with some effort could had been dropped off years ago! 

Think. Simple. 

InSaNe SaNiTy--I ...a moment...a story...

This is about last night.

Yesterday was a bit pleasant day. I myself was surprised. I downloaded and read a gaol-and-success planning book. I planned my next ten years. Wrote my wants, my desires, my obstacles, and all the ways to overcome them. I planned to become an ‘unstoppable’. Oh, I also made a new-style sandwich. All was going well. But the fear, the thought, and the feeling that how can it all end so great, continually followed me. My heart beat was never normal! Yet, I was feeling all high, euphoric, thought-out, energetic, and sane. 

But as expected that zealous bubble exploded. I planned ten years; unfortunately it even didn't lasted for few hours! 

Around midnight I got caught into an argument with her, to which she responded by reminding me that, ‘hum majboor hain’. I hate this ‘majboor’ word. I want to get out of this situation. Take a little step at a time. But to her, it will distract me from my ‘mission’. 

Agree, but it’s not quite all true. Instead of convincing her again, which I had presumably succeeded in doing during the afternoon, I started letting all the negative words and thoughts come out of my mouth. And strangely enough, I never ever consciously thought that way. And I am also quite aware of her health condition, and the intensity to which my doings can be deteriorating. 

To add to this, there was another strange feeling. While I was forcing all this negativity to get out of myself, the other half of me was continually stopping me. I was continually being reminded by myself that all this is calling great destruction, which I won’t be able to fix or revert! Instead, if anything happened to her, only I’ll be responsible. And only I would have to take care of this resulting mess. Did all these sane-thoughts made me to stop? No! 

The part of me which was prevalent at that moment considered it as an opportunity, as an outlet, to outpour all out. While I was arguing on the outside, I was going through an inner combat also, with my own self! 

So, after hearing all those never-heard-before thoughts of me, she was taken aback. All she responded with was that old majboor-dilemma. We both went to bed. Hiding under the sheets, my only secret safe place, I cried frantically. My heart was pounding. I was fidgeting with my hair. I felt I was going insane. I felt breathless. Finally, I sat up. Wiped my face with my shirt. But strangely again, even in this critical situation there was a part of me which was calm and was continually reminding me that it’s not the first time I am going through all of this. Plus, it’ll soon pass. I’ll be normal. But have to remember, this insanity will come back again. 

While I was negotiating with myself, I glanced over to her. She was sitting still with her head down. I got afraid. I went to her. She had difficult time even saying anything. She was choking. She was taking long deep breaths. She was continually holding tight onto her head. So my fear, ones again, proved right. I CAUSED HER PAIN, AGAIN! I fetched water to calm her. Did I hugged her? Did I emotionally comforted her? No. I didn't had any courage to do these probably the most appropriate acts of all! (Shame!) 

I myself feeling drained, (wish had actually drowned) helplessly tried to verbally sooth and console her. I told her I will just do what she wants. Period. Whenever she paused or looked down, fearing what might happen, I shook her and made her talk. The storm has passed, and all I had now was to clear its aftermaths. I tried. All set, she wanted to lie down. And I came back to my table and opened my journal. It was time to write! 

I thought to write to uplift myself. I wanted to tell myself that I had to put myself back together. I had to stay strong. And don't ever make her unhappy again. I need to be a cause of her happiness. I need to be a nice person. I decided to repent on my this insane doing. Wanted to promise not to repeat it. Was I able to do it? No! 

This time again, the self-controlling half of me got dominated by my other half. It started insulting, belittling, and cursing my own self. As I was writing, my journal took a form of a talk among two very different individuals. I continually referred to myself as ‘you’. So ones again my sanity transformed into an insane-sanity. While jotting these trivializing feelings, instead of feeling perplexed or all-down, I enjoyed hurting myself. I felt as if I was doing what I was worth of! There was a strange mild sense of relief and pleasure. 

Even while writing, I knew this act will be followed by another episode of browsing and watching motivational solution-driven videos. Which will be followed by the dominance of my calmer-self. Everything will return to normal. And this normality will include the wait-and-watch-game of looking forward to another new episode of my depressed-drowned phase. It is now a regime.

After drooling my insanity on a clean white piece of paper, I lied down. I started watching some random motivational video with headphones in my ears. My first step towards becoming calmer:…checked!

But, the truth is, I was continually being hunted and tormented by the thoughts that: 

Do I love her? 

Do I even care for her? 

Can I ever do anything good for her?

…

…

… 

While diving into that dark mysterious realm, I got lost. To keep all simple, I chose to end it all. 

For forever!