InSaNe SaNiTy—II ...a moment…a story…

This is about yesterday. 

I was all excited. And why shouldn't I be? It was the Eid day. I was expecting everyone to come over. I wore new clothes. Put on his favorite cologne; I wanted to smell good. I also consciously kept my dupatta on...I didn't wanted him to see my such short hair. It’s been a while since they gave me this grazed land. Anyway all  happy! How could it be so well? Why they are not shouting at me? Why they allowed me to pat their kids? Why? These unbounded, unfastened, untamed questions, never leave me. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

So the moment I was anxiously waiting for came. They all entered; all dressed up. It was a lot. I couldn't smell myself anymore. My eyes searched for him, but he wasn't among them. But still I made effort, holding onto the sofa side, I stood up. Patted their heads and kissed onto their foreheads. They all happily received my pyar. Settling on random spots, the little one grabbed onto my seat. It’s okay. I’ll find another place to sit. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

Then came the food time. They planned to had dinner a little early. If it was during the daytime, it would had been called a brunch. I never liked this concept.  On the dinner table, she made her son move to let me join them. I was pleased, but didn't said anything. I know in the shoor of their sweet chitchat my compliment would just get stuck somewhere in the air…she won’t hear it. It’s okay! But my eyes were still waiting for him. I wanted him to be seated right next to me. He didn't came.  

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

She poured some salan in my bowl. And he passed a naan piece to me. I gave them that required smile, but my inner starting weeping. They know I can’t have it. The emotions on my face literally contradicted my internal chaos. I could see winds coming, waves rising. It’s coming. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live. 

Thinking, how could they forget my most basic need? Wishing, why can’t I stay calm? Why can’t I be happy? Why their most caring act made me cry? Drowned in those questions, I unconsciously ate the whole portion. I started coughing. I was feeling dizzy. I tried to ask for water, but all they could hear was a mumble. I tried harder. I made gestures. And finally it happened. I started crying and screaming. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.  

Scared of their own mother, they escorted me to my cemetery; my room. And locked it from the outside. I wished I also had an internal lock. Where I could pour all those unwanted, unpleasing, unsettling grieving feelings of mine. Throw its key in a deep dark ocean. And could feel better. But no; I am eternally bound to suffer. Feeling inner turmoil, battling with my insanity, I was still feeling a bit calm. I could hear their same lively shoor. The intuition that by removing my presence, all returned to normal, unfortunately made me the happiest person. I knew I was again diving into my insanity. 

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

It got dark. I could hear their scattered, disrupted, mumbling, buzzing, hums. So, they were around. My lights were still off and curtains apart. I could sense that no one came to check on me. I stood up and crawled myself to open the door. Still locked. The droplets of that useless salty water again started to wet my face. I hate that.

But still I wished, he was there to see the way I live.

My hands instead of hitting the door, got froze. My mind changed. I wanted to embrace this solitude. Those clouds again engulfed me. I sat on that lone chair in my room. Neither he came, nor they got us another one. Strangely I was feeling all worn out, tired, exhausted, sweaty, and breathless. While starring at his picture, I took off my dupatta. I wanted to end it all. I prayed. Tasting the trails of my tears—the only thing that was useless for them, and I could had freely without their permission; I closed my eyes. I prayed they never open again. I wanted to be alone.  

But still I wished...

A + B = Think. Simple.

Today, probably for the first time I understood the difference between an optimistic and a pessimist. I know its not a new concept and there are gazillion pages dedicated to aptly highlight this dichotomy. But compared to past passive readings, understanding something practically from your surroundings is a whole new realm. It literally changes or enhances a blurred perspective. 

So, today I learned:  

A pessimist would say: ‘Since I know B would not happen anytime soon, so I won’t do A.’

Whereas an optimist would say: ‘I think B would might not happen…not too sure; but still I want to try A. Want no regrets!’

I love reiterating that, ‘try and fail. But don't fail to try.’ Because, living with a regret is equivalent to just adding another unbearable eternal weight…which, with some effort could had been dropped off years ago! 

Think. Simple. 

InSaNe SaNiTy--I ...a moment...a story...

This is about last night.

Yesterday was a bit pleasant day. I myself was surprised. I downloaded and read a gaol-and-success planning book. I planned my next ten years. Wrote my wants, my desires, my obstacles, and all the ways to overcome them. I planned to become an ‘unstoppable’. Oh, I also made a new-style sandwich. All was going well. But the fear, the thought, and the feeling that how can it all end so great, continually followed me. My heart beat was never normal! Yet, I was feeling all high, euphoric, thought-out, energetic, and sane. 

But as expected that zealous bubble exploded. I planned ten years; unfortunately it even didn't lasted for few hours! 

Around midnight I got caught into an argument with her, to which she responded by reminding me that, ‘hum majboor hain’. I hate this ‘majboor’ word. I want to get out of this situation. Take a little step at a time. But to her, it will distract me from my ‘mission’. 

Agree, but it’s not quite all true. Instead of convincing her again, which I had presumably succeeded in doing during the afternoon, I started letting all the negative words and thoughts come out of my mouth. And strangely enough, I never ever consciously thought that way. And I am also quite aware of her health condition, and the intensity to which my doings can be deteriorating. 

To add to this, there was another strange feeling. While I was forcing all this negativity to get out of myself, the other half of me was continually stopping me. I was continually being reminded by myself that all this is calling great destruction, which I won’t be able to fix or revert! Instead, if anything happened to her, only I’ll be responsible. And only I would have to take care of this resulting mess. Did all these sane-thoughts made me to stop? No! 

The part of me which was prevalent at that moment considered it as an opportunity, as an outlet, to outpour all out. While I was arguing on the outside, I was going through an inner combat also, with my own self! 

So, after hearing all those never-heard-before thoughts of me, she was taken aback. All she responded with was that old majboor-dilemma. We both went to bed. Hiding under the sheets, my only secret safe place, I cried frantically. My heart was pounding. I was fidgeting with my hair. I felt I was going insane. I felt breathless. Finally, I sat up. Wiped my face with my shirt. But strangely again, even in this critical situation there was a part of me which was calm and was continually reminding me that it’s not the first time I am going through all of this. Plus, it’ll soon pass. I’ll be normal. But have to remember, this insanity will come back again. 

While I was negotiating with myself, I glanced over to her. She was sitting still with her head down. I got afraid. I went to her. She had difficult time even saying anything. She was choking. She was taking long deep breaths. She was continually holding tight onto her head. So my fear, ones again, proved right. I CAUSED HER PAIN, AGAIN! I fetched water to calm her. Did I hugged her? Did I emotionally comforted her? No. I didn't had any courage to do these probably the most appropriate acts of all! (Shame!) 

I myself feeling drained, (wish had actually drowned) helplessly tried to verbally sooth and console her. I told her I will just do what she wants. Period. Whenever she paused or looked down, fearing what might happen, I shook her and made her talk. The storm has passed, and all I had now was to clear its aftermaths. I tried. All set, she wanted to lie down. And I came back to my table and opened my journal. It was time to write! 

I thought to write to uplift myself. I wanted to tell myself that I had to put myself back together. I had to stay strong. And don't ever make her unhappy again. I need to be a cause of her happiness. I need to be a nice person. I decided to repent on my this insane doing. Wanted to promise not to repeat it. Was I able to do it? No! 

This time again, the self-controlling half of me got dominated by my other half. It started insulting, belittling, and cursing my own self. As I was writing, my journal took a form of a talk among two very different individuals. I continually referred to myself as ‘you’. So ones again my sanity transformed into an insane-sanity. While jotting these trivializing feelings, instead of feeling perplexed or all-down, I enjoyed hurting myself. I felt as if I was doing what I was worth of! There was a strange mild sense of relief and pleasure. 

Even while writing, I knew this act will be followed by another episode of browsing and watching motivational solution-driven videos. Which will be followed by the dominance of my calmer-self. Everything will return to normal. And this normality will include the wait-and-watch-game of looking forward to another new episode of my depressed-drowned phase. It is now a regime.

After drooling my insanity on a clean white piece of paper, I lied down. I started watching some random motivational video with headphones in my ears. My first step towards becoming calmer:…checked!

But, the truth is, I was continually being hunted and tormented by the thoughts that: 

Do I love her? 

Do I even care for her? 

Can I ever do anything good for her?

…

…

… 

While diving into that dark mysterious realm, I got lost. To keep all simple, I chose to end it all. 

For forever!   

8 Types of Pakistani Parents (a crash course)

Parents, perhaps the greatest inherent mystery! And now I am probably making the worst comparison that just like our name, we don't chose them (and vice versa, yah that’s right). And ideally we should stay together, till death parts us! Though quite emotionally swayed, I have to admit that throughout the lifespan on my three-decades I failed to comprehend my destined-mystery, my parents! Just like Beiber’s girlfriend, sometimes they nod their head yes but wanna say no! So to make our jalebi-lives a little juicier, last night I stayed up and drafted these eight rom-com Pakistani parents types. 

P.S. Based on three-decades of intensive research! 

Since its personal, had no help, so is not foolproof….ssshhh…secret!  

1. Utopian: 

Perhaps they are the perfect idealistic happy-go-lucky type of parents. They always abstain from nagging into their kid’s matters. If the child is studious and wants to be a doctor, no problem! If he/she is more inclined towards singing or sculpturing, still no problem! Their kids always find green-signal for all ‘morally’ right decisions. Because, all is well that ends well!

always got your (for right) back... 

2. Professional:

They are the ones who teach do-or-die lessons to their kids. To them, there are only two ‘noble’ professions—medicine and engineering. Thus, their children are born with predestined very simple and apt options: be a doctor or an engineer (the combo could also work). For them, only science-matters, all other professions…hmmm…don’t even bother thinking! 

lesser the options, happier the life...

3. Futuristic: 

My heart goes hmmmm…hmmmm for them, as they are super concerned for their child’s future. They invest, guide, and make all humanely possible efforts to turn a whining baby into a prosperous candidate. Why? Because this child is actually their future support…borhapay ka sahara! The better the kid will do, the better will be their living standards in those ‘olden-golden’ days.

money matters...

4. Experiential: 

They hate traditional school-college-university pattern. For them, these education-businesses only want to draw a huge chunk of their hard-earned money in a most legitimate way—hafty fee challahs. Their vision: one can learn nothing practical from these books…the secret to success is experience, as you have to dig your hands in dirt to build a mud-house! So, just do it, why study!   

see and do...

5. Supportive: 

They are like hard-core Korean parents, who make their child experiment million different things, while having their ears and eyes open for 24/7. Once they find their child’s inclination, then there is no return back. As these ‘supportive’ parents just leverage their all resources and efforts to make their child excel in that particular trait/s, and eventually gain fame. Mission accomplished!   

you tell, I'll unlock...

6. Competitive:

Oh, personally feeling this type of parents fall under the hard-to-please category. Ironically they don't have any ‘planned’ aspirations and sadly just blindfold their kid’s ambitions. So what do they want? Actually they even don’t waste their energy on this ‘thinking’ part, as their plans are based on the strategy of Comparative Analysis. In simple words, if Chacha’s son is settled in US, then their’s SHOULD land in UK or Australia. If Khala’s daughter is studying medicine, then their’s should at least be studying engineering. Bottomline, they strive to maintain equality!   

only a Mom can say it...

7. Preachers:

If possible for them, these parents will be among the first ones to own a Time-Machine, as they are Chronic Regretter, (if there is something like that)! Though they are super concerned about their child’s future; but not in a sense as to guide them for their prospective plans. Instead, they keep on bombarding their past mistakes and just want their kids to “not repeat them”. A glimpse: ‘I loved your Ma, hmmm…now see!’; ‘I quitted my business partnership because of your Dada, now see!’…and these ‘now-see’ phrases never end!

expressions while hearing 'see-now' stories...

8. Cops:   

Not sure, if this is the best of types or the worst of types, but still I believe it’s quite unique to our culture; perhaps a very desi-speciality! So they are the ones who even before conceiving, start sharpening their match-making skills. For them, a child’s ultimate future lies in being ‘a husband' or ‘a wife’, period. So, instead of wasting a split-second on discussing traditional professions, they escort their kids to family weddings and Iftar-dinners. The formula is simple: frequent mingling = mind-match = ultimate destination! A wedlock is the secret solution to all their problems. Woh, I can hear those wedding bells!  

just get them locked, I mean wedlock...

Please don't consider these types as strict hard-and-fast rule, as their combinations also exist. Look close, might be there’s one in your home, who know! LOL :)

Having said that, one fact remains universal, we all love, cherish, and treasure our parents. It’s simple plain truth, so…admit it, say it, even better, show it! 

Quick Q: Is there a World Parents Day? 

Yes, just googled! UN declared June 1 to be the “Gblal Day of Parents”. (Should have written it around then…hmmm….better late, then never!)   

Until next time,

Love to all Parents

CROP...CROP...CROP...!

Don’t worry I am not going to explain anything about the Photoshop cropping…though I have been learning it lately, hmmm…that’s another story! 

Gearing back to my topic…so, we are over spring and literally headed towards one of the world’s most hot, spicy, sexy, summers, thus got to prepare before the fainting part starts. Besides buying few lawn kurtas, and adopting shalwar trend, I still wasn't getting that ideal easy-breezy feel. For sure, something was missing…which one day I suddenly realized while struggling tying my bun. There it goes, immediately decided to cut my hair short. Then what…went to our beloved Muniba, took her suggestion and here I am writing with hair chopped into angled cropped bob. I know it is something out of our traditional comfort zone, especially while living in Lahore…but no worries, instead trust me getting a different haircut is the most rejuvenating experience.   

So ladies, take my word, make your hairstylist appointments to have a chop-crop…trust me, you won’t regret. Instead you’ll feel an instant positive summery vibe…plus, since it’s an #intrend, thus, having an extra edge over your fashionistatic-friends is guaranteed.

For your ease, here are some options…as recently many celebrities have been opting for pixie, chopped, or cropped hairstyles...so no more excuses...let's break the monotony! 

Taylor Swift: 'in whatever she do, she always maintains her personality!' 

Demi Lavato: 'sure she can pull-off any hairstyle...oh, and any hair color :) 

Gigi Hadid: 'wish she had did it for real!'  

Jennifer Lawrence: 'from braids, to pixie, to bob...and the journey continues!'  

Kangna Ranuat: 'there you go lady...!' 

Miley Cyrus: 'hmmm...still discovering so can expect anything from her:)' 

So until next time,

Keep styling and discovering! 

#WhomAreYouWearing???

As spring calls for its departure…it’s high time to embrace all-around lawn fever. Seriously a lot is going on…from the designers celebrating their high-profile launching ceremonies to the lawn-maniacs making wish list of their picks along with some low moments resulting from out-of-stock tags on some bestsellers…woh…truly it’s a lot on everyone’s plate!   

When I say ‘everyone’ it includes our narrow-minded market-critics also…especially those who are against this designer-lawn trend mainly because of its lofty prices. No doubt, designer lawn is unusually expensive compared to our parents ancient times of Gul-Ahmad, and Al-Karam. And no doubt it’s a great relief that we don't have to stick to our mom-brands any longer…there shouldn't be any hesitation in saying that because of some of our beloved and courageous designers we ‘finally’ got some awesome variety and liberty to pick and choose!   

Here I am really glad to say that our desi fashion sense is updating and fortunately our designers have succeeded in generating seasonal collection hype, in terms of their Spring/Summer and Winter arrivals. It might sound redundant but all the mystery, wait, and surprise phenomenon that we are now experiencing with these back-to-back designer launches is globally very well rooted. Having lived in States for more than fifteen years, I can assure that along with seasonal changes, people anxiously await for the release of new collections by their favorite designer-brands, which can range anywhere from everyday shift dress (ex. Zara) to an iPhone case (as Kate Spade).

People are really passionate about their favorite brands and designers. Instead of getting discouraged by their skyrocketed prices, they appreciate their quality, innovation, and craftsmanship. Along with waiting, they also work hard, even do part-time jobs to save and purchase their chosen items…t’s a status symbol! Buying an item by a particular designer signifies that now you have risen a certain level in the society and should continue on this enthralling voyage…

For example, buying a Louis Vuitton (LV) handbag is an every girl’s unspoken wish…even though it’s starting price is $1000+ (i.e. ~PKR 100,000). But still we want it…as it’s worth saving and purchasing…why? No doubt the quality is topnotch, but that’s not the complete truth…its high price and celebrity-spotting makes it even more exclusive and thus our eye candy. Only a LV got the power to instantly transform any mundane pajama-wearing Mom into a high-profile posh lady.

Enough praises for our beloved LV…no doubt it also got the power to derail my writing process…LOL:)

Okay, coming back to our own ‘expensive’ brands as Zara Shahjahan, Sana Safinaz,  HSY, Elan, Warda, and etc…glad the list continues…! It’s a pleasing experience that they have also gradually started imitating the best practices set by some world-renowned designer brands, as Tory Burch and Micheal Kors, to name a few. Just like owning a Tory Burch dress, or a Micheal Kors sweater is an achievement—a reflection of someone’s socioeconomic fashion rank, similarly our Paki-brands are also helping us define our fashion status.

To own, wear, and walk in a Zara Shahjahan or Elan lawn suit should be a proud and confident moment as it can make everyone in awe with you. I am really glad and in support of these brands as along with maintaining their quality, they also maintain their exclusivity through price tags and limited availability…because it’s a consented truth that by  spending ~PKR 7,000+ on a lawn suit we want to stand-out in a crowd of mundane prints and quality. We want something different! And that's the mindset of their clientele that they are catering to...who don't want what everyone is wearing or is easily accessible!

I still remember the day when I bought my first MK sweater and a Zara dress, it was a defining moment for me…as along with enjoying my saving skills I also appreciated my fashion aesthetics. I felt so proud and confident that it just ignited a chain reaction. My second rise was to save for Tory Burch…and my journey of these collectables still continues! Joining the world of brands is somewhat addictive…but in a healthy way…as it makes you appreciate quality and work hard to rise in the society. You learn to strive for the next best! 

Thus, after wearing Elan, Zara Shahjahan, Generation (my favorite), and etc, or at least having one piece by them in wardrobe…not only gives you confidence and rejuvenation, but it also pushes you to maintain or improve your fashion status, rather than going back to an old-neighborhood cut-piece shop.      

Having said that, it’s true that lofty price tags by designers and famous brands hinder their availability to the masses, but that’s what they are meant for…brands should not be like corner-store mom-and-pop shops! Instead they need to maintain their charm through limited availability and a little higher than normal prices in addition to exquisite world class quality.   

Last but not the least, all my aforementioned comments and arguments can be bottled down in support for our designer collections…and instead of criticizing their prices, we should be supporting them as they are the only driving force behind our recent innovative fashion scene and flourishing market economy. 

Thus, my dear ladies, open your arms and embrace the fresh summer breeze with stylish new clothing options and stop criticizing a quality product on affordability grounds. Enjoy them as delicacies and become a part of your favorite designer’s clan! Because at end of the day it’s all about #whomyouarewearing...? 

Until next time,

Happy Shopping!

Dilwale: 7 Style Picks

a typical Bollywood formula film

There are not many instances when we can get everyday style inspirations from Bollywood movies, as who can wear sheer saris in Antartica or wake up with her hair done? But if we do get this rare chance of some practical fashion picks, then why not shout-it-out! So the story goes that this weekend I watched Dilwale, a full-on typical Bollywood formula entertainment package, featuring our beloved eye candy jodi of Shah Rukh (SRK) and Kajol. Since the budget of this movie is humongous with quite handsome spending on the styling and fashion accessories of each character, which always is a great idea to help actors bring out their fullest potential. Besides giving this movie a thumbs-up, I will be enlisting some of my fashion or style picks to help us all dive into their Dilwale spirit…badi dilwali hoon na…lol:) 

I wish I had some of the movie-stills to support my recommendations…but unfortunately can't find much, so will have to go with our imagination and some random picks.    

soft-caramel highlights while keeping black roots!

1. Highlights: Go for highlights or lowlights in the shads of soft-caramel, radish-brown, or mahogany…sorry, I am not a colorist, but I hope you got the color group I trying to refer to! I think Kajol had full-head highlights in soft-caramel color, whereas Kriti opted for a cool mahogany lowlights only at her lengths. 
Final Verdict: Refresh your look with hair color and highlights!  

a simple tip to 'reach maximum heights' :)

look at her shoes!

2. Statement Shoes: Kajol, almost in every scene looked super fabulous, elegant, and a true posh lady by adoring our favorite heels and statement peep-toe booties. That really reminded me of a famous celebrity’s statement: ‘a lady can’t think straight without her heels on’! (sorry, can’t recall that great personality’s name, but who cares!) 
Final Verdict: To radiate true ladylike vibes, go for maximum heights (heels). 

midi-rings...a great simple accessory!

3. Midi-Rings: Both, Kriti and Kajol, portrayed their onscreen sisterhood (sorry for the spoiler…) by staying on-trend with our favorite midi-ring trend. Although, it has been there for a while but watching our favorite Bollywood actors adoring it, was a delightful sight. 
Final Verdict: Midi-rings are sure an it-trend, so if you haven't tried it yet, then do it. 

statement print midi-skirts...perfect score!

don't forget to keep the balance!

4. Midi-Skirts: I really enjoyed watching Kajol portraying her artistic side while swinging in my favorite midi-skirt trend. I also liked her balance as she kept her tops plain and simple, while using heavy prints at the bottoms. Besides radiating perfect feminine vibes, it also gets full points in terms of my modest fashion choices. 
Final Verdict: Try this old 40s classic style, I’m sure you’re gonna fall in love with it!  

no better option to bling-bling than gold!

5. Gold jewelry: Jewelry is every girl’s obsession, but it was really an eye pleasure to watch both, Kriti and Kajol, adorn this fashion essential at its fullest. Suited to the personas of their characters they wore very stylish, modern, minimalistic, and chic pieces as one can easily find at Forever21. 
Final Verdict: There is nothing better to showcase your blinging-side than gold statement jewelry pieces, so why shy?    

chiffon tops...wear them in million ways!

6. Solid colored chiffon tops: Again this trend has been there for a while and looks really classy during spring/summer times. But since I spotted Kajol wearing it a lot during this movie, so felt obliged to mention it. Wearing loose solid colored chiffon tops or button-downs, not only supported Kajol’s chic character, but also helped her to contour her curves and look slim. 
Final Verdict: Don't restrict silk and chiffon pieces to a specific season, if you like, then can wear them all-year-round.

notice SRK's button-down layering!

7. Layering of button-down shirts: So enough has been said about ladies’ in-trends, now lets change gears and give a tip to boys. Although it’s not a very unique and an it-trend, but watching SRK doing it was something new! He, in many scenes, was spotted layering two different solid colored cotton/denim button-down shirts. But I really liked that he used same family hues, instead of wearing sharp contrasts. 
Final Verdict: So, guys, there is no harm in trying this time-tested trend, especially during winters, as the more the layers, the better!  

Last but not the least, Shah Rukh and Kajol’s jodi tops the list of my Dilwale style picks, as they never look mundane while showcasing their redundant onscreen chemistry tactics. But regretfully saying, this movie doesn't do much contribution to their relationship development, as their was lots of other added masala, but who cares as we love watching them together, right? It's true, as my mother says, ‘some things never change!’

'some things never change!'